It doesn’t feel so bad now, because I have you. It doesn’t feel so bad now because I am, in every way, a version of you. Remember when Morgan died and I so badly wanted to go too? Well that’s all over now, because I will never never leave you. You’re no Alison, you’re you.

My mummy. Mum. Lucy. My mama. I would rage against any man who saddened you. Let me meet the guy who did it to you, and I’ll show him what we both can do.

I still have in my head that tick, that when someone beloved leaves, I’ll follow them through. And though you’d hate to hear it, and think it untrue, I didn’t sign up to a life without you.

The fear I have that one day, your voice wont meet mine, on a Tuesday night as I cry on the edge of the loo. And come through the phone like a Samaritan and pull from from all of my blue. That’s something I never want to see through.

I am another version of you. But tougher and ready to fight against everything that ever made you low. I’ll burn it all down. I wish we could meet each other at the same age. Like sisters. So I could help you like you help me, and not always be the teary feet-first baby, but be a protector, your armor and your fucking sword if there’s drama.

I am just like you. My mama. Thank you. I can go to sleep now. I can stop crying and go to sleep now. Because you’re you.


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